Merry Emomas
by Jessica Lauren
Summary: Another christmas cullen special. This time, emoness is involved :D Rated T for profanities.


(This is meant to be humorous (no, im not talking about the bone in your arm either…)

**Alice POV!**

**25****th**** December 2008**

_The world is round._

_The world is this amazing rock suspended in a geographical orbit around the sun without falling. _

_The world is beautiful._

_The world is magical._

_And those who populate this world should be locked away in the dark for the rest of eternity… for being crimes against fashion._

_It is my job, no, it is my mission to make sure that justice is served!_

"Alice, shut the hell up," Edward moaned, as he sat reading a fashion magazine I had forced upon him.

I glared at him before checking underneath the tin foil on his hair. He was almost done.

"Just because you can read thoughts doesn't mean I'm not allowed to think," I replied quickly before pushing his chair towards the bathroom sink.

"I hope this stuff is temporary," he mumbled.

I picked up the package and scanned it, "yup, comes out after ten washes."

"Is it from Canada?"

"Yeah…"

"Damn!"

"What?"

"I was boycotting against Canada…"

"Aww, where did Eddie learn that big word?"

"Renesmee is learning about boycotting at school."

I started to pick out the tin foil in his hair carefully.

"So why were you boycotting against Canada?"

Edward burst into tearless hysterics.

"They took Bella from me!"

I suppressed my laughter, "who told you this?"

"Bella."

"What the hell?"

"April fools!"

I rolled my eyes, "its Christmas, Eddie! Not April fools day! Dumbass!"

"So yeah, I wrote Bella a poem for Christmas," Edward told me.

"Really? That's really lovely Edward."

"Can I recite it to you? You can be my critique."

"Okay," I threw the shower head into the sink quickly before turning it on. I began to rinse Edward's hair.

"_And so the lion fell in love with the lamb_

_It is very beautiful that I am_

_Such a fantastic poet_

_And it is wonderful that I know it._

_I love you, my Bella_

_I feel so privileged to be you fella_

_My Bella-ella-ella-ella eh eh_

_While Alice is princess _

_Of her palace _

_And Jasper_

_Thinks he's fucking Casper_

_You are _

_My beautiful Bella_

_Ella, ella, ella eh eh_

_You are the one_

_That let me have some fun_

_I infected you with evilish semen_

_And I thought you would give birth to a demon_

_But no,_

_You bestowed,_

_A beautiful baby girl_

_Who is as precious as a pearl._

_Thank you, Isabella Swan_

_For at the crack of dawn_

_I see your beautiful face_

_With your immortal grace_

_You showed me what love is._"

"Aw, Edward," I smiled at him. "It's adorable… in a really weird way."

"Really?" his face lit up. "Thank you Alice."

I suddenly felt a wave of pity for Bella. But I didn't trust it. My Alice-senses were tingling. Jasper was about… probably in his Casper Halloween costume. God, that boy really needed to learn something about fashion. At least Edward has the brains to let me control his fashion life.

I finished rinsing Edward's hair and towel dried it quickly before making him sit up straight. I dragged the chair he was sitting on over to the other side of the room where the hair dryer was sitting on the counter.

I also turned on my amazing ghd straightening irons that could even tackle Edward's sex hair. I mean, sex hair once or twice is awesome. But seeing it every day for the past forty odd years is a bit much and boring.

"Alice?" Rosalie's voice came from outside the bathroom. "Where is Emmett's Christmas present?"

"I dunno…" I shrugged even though she couldn't see me. "Try my closet where the next three years of Christmas presents are."

"Kay," I heard her heels tap against the floor as she left.

"So where are Bella and Nessie?" I asked. I couldn't see them in the future because Bella was with Nessie and I couldn't see Nessie.

"I told you, Canada stole Bella."

"Fuck up, Edward," I growled and slammed the hair dryer down.

I held a mirror out in front of him and he screamed at the ball of frizziness that was once his sex hair.

"I LOOK LIKE BOB MARLEY!" He squealed like a little girl.

"Your not black…"

"Stop being racist Alice."

"You really ought to wash your hair more often." I mumbled before grabbing the straightners and fighting the fluffball.

I finished in record time and then grabbed the hair gel, squirted the perfect amount of onto the palm of my hand and rubbing it in.

"Perfect," I grinned.

I bent down next to Edward and held out a camera. I smiled and took a picture of mine and Edward's head.

"HOLY SHIZZ!" Bella screamed as she entered the bathroom. "YOU LOOK LIKE TWINS!"

Edward grabbed the mirror and screamed "ALICE WHY IS MY HAIR BLACK AND SPIKY LIKE YOURS?"

"It looks awesome doesn't it!"

"NO I WANTED TO BE A BLONDIE! LIKE DAVID BOWIE IN THE FILM Labyrinth!"

"That was a wig, dear." I patted his spiky black hair. "It's okay… the dye will come out after ten washes."

"You look like an emo, Edward," Bella groaned. "But I got you a present!!"

"No, I did. Like three years ago…" I mumbled as I washed my hands.

"I want Eddies sex hair back!!"

And in the distance there was a scream…

It was a scream of joy.

A hundred million screaming fangirls ran into the bathroom…

And chased Edward into the early morning twilight, whilst Bella and Jasper talked about emo shit.

**The End.**


End file.
